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Hogan Torah
Son of a Mouseketeer, Sex and drugs and music. I shred. Professional inquiries to @anotherlogan on Twitter

How to avoid having your lovemaking compared to a piece of furniture

Photo by Ferdinand Studio from Pexels

In 2000 Actor Billy Bob Thornton wed Actress Angelina Jolie. The pair separated in 2002 and shortly after Billy Bob filed for divorce.

In a 2005 interview with Esquire magazine, Billy Bob Thornton said:

Sometimes with the model, the actress or the sexiest person in the world, it may literally be like fucking the couch.

— Angelina Jolie’s ex-husband, Billy Bob Thornton

The above quote was taken out of context. The point Billy Bob was attempting to make was that sex doesn’t need to be with someone who looks like a model to be amazing. And he’s right.

Being attractive…


ROSES ARE RED, COW SKIN IS LEATHER

All poetry is bad, especially yours

AI drawing of Lisa Frank art is PD

I hate poetry. All poetry. Just seeing the word poetry brings a furrow to my brows. Every poem by every poet I’ve ever read. Rhyming or not. The only thing worse than reading poetry is having someone recite theirs to me.

People ask, “There must be some poetry you like.”

Yes, it’s poetry recited or sung over music. They’re called songs. It’s why every radio station plays either songs or news. Not poetry.

“Surely someone like you can appreciate the poetry of…”

Fuck Bukowski. He was a pathetic misogynist who drank himself to death only not soon enough and his…


ANIMALS CROSSING THINGS

Child is forced to repeat the same joke to fifty people

Photo by Cristian Pantoja from Pexels

Paul Xexchron got the call at 8am.

“Hey Paul! You gotta hear the joke my kid made up.”

Little Jimmy Dolan took the phone from his dad.

“Why did the, how come, do you know why the cow crossed the road?”

“Why?” Paul asked.

“Because he wanted to get, because he wanted some milk!”

“Oh. Ha-ha. Okay, bye.”

Jimmy Dolan’s father called everyone he knew and had Jimmy repeat the joke to the delight of no one.

“The joke sucked. I don’t care if it’s his first kid and that was his first joke. …


Sorta

A few months ago I was chosen to be a tester for the Medium Publication Beta. It sounded like a great time to start a new pub or seven.

Alas, Medium Doomscroll Edition was not all it was cracked up to be. All my publications flopped. Not because of the Publication Beta, but because my ideas were bad and my stories sucked.

Except for one publication.

AAAAbsurdist, The

Normally there would be a link to it right here, but there isn’t. Because my pub was suspended.


ANALOG WRITING READS WARMER

The types of people who think using a picture of a typewriter for their feature picture is a good idea

Photo by Wendy Wei from Pexels

The Whatever


People watched some mundane yet bizarre shit back in the day

Still from the Brady Bunch Variety Hour. Modified by author

The 1950’s was the golden era of television in the United States. The few networks broadcast their content for only a few hours each day during the evening.

Seventy years ago television programming consisted of news, sports, and entertainment of the most basic variety. Mostly singing and dancing without it being a contest. As time went on sitcoms, soap operas, and game shows were added to fill the extended broadcast hours.

Variety shows were among the first television programs and originally considered quality television. The shows featured a variety of performers doing what they do best. Performing.

On The Dean…


Addicts try to feel the high that they get the first time

Photo by Alena Shekhovtcova from Pexels

In my early adulthood, I worked as a drug dealer for a living. It was the late 1990’s and I had access to almost every scheduled available. There was one drug I never saw but had heard so much about.

Heroin.

It was the unobtanium. The only place I saw it was the movies. Not that I was looking that hard. During the early 2010s the pill mills were shut down and doctor feel goods. Hydrocodone and Oxycodone became a scarce commodity.

When the pills became hard to find and expensive, heroin appeared out of nowhere and became the new…


Why do Hootie and The Blowfish deserve to have to the 10th best selling album of all time?

Meme is public domain

I learned the horrible truth while doing research for story about Guns n’ Roses 1987 album Appetite For Destruction.

I consider Appetite For Destruction to be a perfect album. A perfect album is an album you don’t skip any songs on. I consider Quadrophenia by The Who another perfect album.

I was writing a story about perfect albums and was curious where Appetite For Destruction was ranked in all-time best selling albums. It placed a respectable 14th in the best selling albums of all time. Which sounded about right.

Who’s in the top 10?

  1. EaglesTheir Greatest Hits: 38…


STILL BEATS ALMOND MILK

Bruh, it’s expensive and I don’t like cheese that much

Photo by Magda Ehlers from Pexels, sorta

“Why can’t I buy cheese made from human breastmilk?” My flatmate asked.

My other housemate and I paused. It was a good question. I’d never seen human cheese for sale anywhere. Just because I hadn’t seen it doesn’t mean that it didn’t exist.

To the internet!

Breastmilk cheese does exist, but since it’s not pasteurized it’s a grey area to sell. According to something I read on the internet:

“There are rules in place meant to discourage the use of human fluids in the use of cooking.” — Healthline.com

Come to think of it I’ve never seen anyone selling jizz…

Hogan Torah

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