The best unintentional humorist on Medium thinks he found greener grass — Ding-dong Tom is gone! Tom Kugler has left the platform! Happy days are here again! Christmas has come early. Yes! Fuck that guy! There are numerous people on Medium I don’t care for, but only a handful of people I actively hate. You have to…

Your browser history is the least of your worries — Last night I came closer to death than I have in years. I had been constipated for days and had been eating watermelon as a fix. That night my mom made a chicken recipe on the grill, but the chicken breasts were much thicker than the ones she usually gets…

Don’t ever fucking tell me what not to do — My Medium feed is my muse. People say stuff and I make fun of the stuff they write. When I make fun of what other people write it’s called satire. You can get away with murder under the guise of satire. I did. Nobody seemed to notice. Every day the…

I’m not boyfriend material but you can come over — I love my dog. I love my Mom. I’ve said I love you to girlfriends. Maybe I meant it at the time. Today I can’t remember half their names. I’ve given up on finding a partner. But I’m far from an incel or a man going it alone. I don’t…

Five great movies about making movies — The movie system is insane. I dipped my big toe in it as a young adult purely by luck. I was discovered outside a Hollywood club by an agent and went on to do more extra work in a few months' time than most actors I know have done in…

A writer’s resumes is a page long humble brag written like flex tweet — “I’m here until I get an offer that pays me enough not to be here.” I said in my about me story. That was two years ago. Yesterday I got such an offer from a top pro wrestling site that I’ve been reading since there was an internet. The problem…

How I turned my childhood dreams into my present day reality — The other day I came across this image on Twitter. It’s funny because it’s true. The drawing is perfect. I hit like, but was surprised by all the butthurt in the comments. “What’s wrong with having good sleep, high T, a healthy diet, and great mental health?” wrote a commenter. …

The sooner you accept you can’t get in your car, the quicker you’ll get home to take off shit filled pants — I have the digestive food tract of a Zen master. It is impossible for me to get sick from food poisoning. My body rejects any E. coli food poisoning a half hour after exposure. The only problem is that it comes rocketing out of my asshole in liquid form. …

Advice that you just shouldn’t take because it’s wrong — Ah, nonsensical writing advice. God I love making fun of it. And there’s so much of it here. People parrot other people’s advice so we keep seeing the same advice multiple times. That means it must be good advice. Right? No it’s all horseshit. Trust me, I auto fill. It’s…