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Richard Benson is one of the strangest men alive

Stills taken from The Story Of Richard Benson — Worst Guitarist Ever? Documentary by Press Play

Richard Philip Henry John Benson, known as Richard Benson (born 10 March 1955, Woking, England) is an English guitarist based in Italy since 1965. He is recognized as one of the worst guitar players ever.

Benson has released dozens of albums to little fanfare. His guitar methods are unorthodox. Watching him in action, it’s evident he knows how to play and he understands musical concepts.

But Richard chooses to do this.

I can’t play that but I doubt he could again either

Is this guy serious? Yes. Completely.

The man gets some interesting sounds out of his instrument. He doesn’t…


It’s a science fiction proven fact

Photo by Bianca Salgado from Pexels

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The deceptive advertising tactics of pornography websites

M. Jovian — A. Gill

PAR Institute

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“How many pages did the final draft end up being?”

“Fourteen. I’m finishing up the last things and then it’s done.”

Alvin finished typing up the cover page of the research paper he and Marc had spent the past three years of their life working on.

The pair had been investigating the claims of adult website advertising including streaming porn sites, hookup sites, and live…


Yeah, it’s a listicle

Image author
  1. Rent a yellow convertible, get best friend, get Bananas in Pajamas costumes. Roll up to elementary schools during recess blasting Barbie Girl by Aqua. Get out and do the running man for 2 minutes. Get back in the car and take off before anyone can figure out what’s going on.
  2. Tell everyone I’m in training for the Iditarod Alaskan sled dog race. Start yelling “Mush!” all the time randomly.
  3. Start a street gang. Develop a logo that can easily be written on a wall. Create a gang sign other members can use their hands to flash to identify each other.

Image of The Barbie Jeep Wrangler Power Wheels from Amazon

The Barbie Jeep Wrangler Power Wheels is an odd conglomeration of brands. First is the world’s best selling toy, Barbie. The Mattel Corporation’s bread and butter.

Mattel has owned Fischer-Price since 1993. Power Wheels is a sub-division of Fischer-Price.

The Jeep Wrangler has been the same jeep American Motors started building in 1986 with minor cosmetic updates.

None of that matters.

I worked as an assembler for Toys R Us the Christmas of 1997 . For an extra fifteen bucks, we would assemble whatever it was that we sold requiring assembly.

Bikes took about 10 minutes.

Baby diaper changing tables…


THIS TASTES LIKE WINE, THIS ALSO TASTES LIKE WINE, THIS TASTES LIKE WINE TOO

The definitive satirical guide to drinking a lot of wine in small quantities

Image by Salquillo Delgado from Parts Unkown

All wine tastes bad, however there are many different varieties of wine. The object of wine tasting is finding a wine that tastes the least terrible and getting wasted in the process.

Wine tastings are usually held at wineries, allowing you to personally tell the person who has spent the last few decades of their life and millions of dollars that their wine tastes like hobo ass and there’s no fucking way you would pay 30 bucks a bottle for their swill.

Wineries are located where the wine grapes are grown, usually near a costal area. The coastal air and…


My brief career as a Hollywood extra

Still From Dope Show music video by Marlyn Manson

The low rung in showbiz

Getting paid 180 bucks a day to stand around eating catering sounds great on paper, and sometimes it was.

I never auditioned and didn’t go through an agency. For me, breaking into extra work was being in the right place at the right time.

The year was 1995. I was attending the Batman Forever (The Clooney one with bat nips) Soundtrack release party at a weekly rave club called Magic Wednesdays in Hollywood on Hollywood Blvd.

Clubs that played rave music were rare. Most clubs back then were playing hip-hop. …


I THROW LIKE A GIRL TOO

Good thing I’m funny

Image author. Photo by Christina Morillo from Pexels

Punctuation matters.

It’s the difference between helping your uncle Jack, off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

I know that there’s a difference, but I don’t know what the difference is. All I know is jacking off a horse is funny. So I write it.

Pay no attention to my top writer badges in humor and satire or my write-ups in the New York Post. For someone who gets paid to write, I’m really bad at it.

All of it.

I can’t spell for shit

My spelling is so bad that I’m not sure what word I was trying to use…


THE EGG SALAD SANDWICH FROM THE GAS STATION STORY

Skiing apparel and food poisoning don’t mix

Image by author

I first published this story twenty years ago. If you think you have read it elsewhere, you probably have.

Remastered and enhanced, the gas station sandwich skiing story.

Due to my father’s predisposition to gambling, my family only went on vacation to places that had blackjack tables. My family always spent our vacations in either Vegas or Lake Tahoe. I preferred Lake Tahoe because it was Vegas with ski slopes. While we skied, Dad gambled.

I skied alone as I was much more proficient at the age of seventeen than my mom or sister. …


TOASTERS ARE SERIOUS BUISNESS

Officials advise public to keep pressing it until FBI makes official statement

Image by author

The bagel button slid silently into our DM’s almost twenty years ago, and no one noticed.

Then one day, someone did.

That someone was Dr. Hanz Zarkoff. Formally of NASA, but now working independently in his home laboratory. Dr. Zarkoff has devoted the last five years of his life to the study of a button on a toaster.

“They said I was mad…” Stated Dr. Zarkoff. “You’re damn right I’m mad! I paid fifteen bucks more for this toaster because it has a bagel button, and it doesn’t do shit!”

“I had heard that pressing the bagel button toasts the…

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