Today I’m writing one of the most difficult things I’ve ever written. It’s hard for me to admit when I’m wrong, because I’m not.
However, the online social media community has taken it upon themselves to cancel me again. Life as a social media icon means I’m a constant target for ugly mouth breathing basement dwelling losers who can’t get laid and have nothing better to do all day than piss in my Cheerios.
The past 24 hours have been the most difficult in my life. I’m being cyber bullied, my family has received an increased number of death threats…
Disclaimer: This is satire. Do not try this. You will die.
Engelbart Whistleshart has been having trouble with his landlord since the day he started getting high from inhaling airhorns.
“I told him the horn was a sports thing but I think he’s getting suspicious. I tried huffing the airhorn in the closet but they can still hear the horn. I always hear the horn, even when I’m not getting loud.”
The loud BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMP of the airhorn can be heard for up to a half mile away. Airhorn huffers are referred to as honkers in the drug underworld.
“I left my laptop at home, we gotta go back.”
“Goddammit. Hang on…” my Mom said as she executed a no-point turn on a local street.
I had a plane to catch tonight. This evening’s trip was different from previous plane trips. I had a one-way ticket and no intention of coming back to Los Angeles.
I’d packed two huge suitcases to their limit. My chihuahua was in a carrier able to fit under the seat in front of me. But I’d forgotten my personal carry-on item and likely a few other critical items back home.
After retrieving my laptop…
Howdy! I’m Hogan Torah and if you’re like me, people are constantly wanting to have sex with you.
And like me, you are flattered to be desired by so many people. But after laying pipe several times in a single day, do you ever throw your hands up and exclaim, “I can’t possibly have sex with all of these people!”
There’s logistics, fatigue, cab fare, prophylactics, paternity suits, wet play, traveling with butt plugs, halitosis, crabs, religious differences, menstrual cycles, wiping issues, and dealing with the santorum are just some of the obstacles that everyone faces. …
By now most people have seen the story in The Verge talking about what went on behind the scenes of the latest post from the CEO of Medium Ev Williams. The one where he offers the editors Medium pays a “voluntary” severance package.
The manager was in a video conference with a White House staffer to discuss how Biden, who had used Medium as a campaign blog in 2020, could begin posting to the official Medium @POTUS account. …
Ev’s memo has sent the usual shockwaves throughout the Medium community. This story is is a little different. Usually the person announcing the news for Medium spends three minutes of reading time saying one thing. But in this case it’s a six minute read talking about a dozen changes.
I’m going to attempt to read through the lines of this story. Go ahead and read it for context if you haven’t yet. I’ll wait here for you.
My story also works if you don’t want someone who has nothing to do with anything to sum this up for you.
Valencia, Ca — The amusement park’s rides have reopened. Local teenagers have been hired to operate them. The black light for hand stamp re-admittance has been turned on. Young adults are getting as high as possible in the parking lot before taking the tram to the main entrance. Keychains promoting the park and miniature vanity license plates with everyone’s name except yours are available for purchase.
Happy days are here again.
Except for one caveat. California’s Attractions and Parks Association recommends that park operators work with patrons to “mitigate the effects of shouting” on roller coasters and thrill rides to…
The other Sunday I realized it’s been way too long since Macaulay Culkin stared at me for an uncomfortably long time. I never realized how much Macaulay Culkin looks like Steve Buscemi. Weird.
Speaking of things that are way too long, this video was directed by Harmony Korine, director of Gummo, and Spring Breakers. What does that have to do with anything? Nothing. Except it explains Rachel Miner being in this. That and she was married to Mac daddy at the time.
I for one don’t think Sonic Youth was underrated. They got as big as they should have…
My stories about sex earn around 10 times more than the stories I’ve published that don’t involve my dick. Seeing as how my primary source of income is writing, I should be writing more about sex.
It’s a body function that serves a purpose. People put it on a pedestal like it’s this sacred thing. Everyone does it. But men who have sex with a lot of women are revered while women that have sex with a lot of men are scorned. Which is fucking stupid.
It’s free*. Sex is exercise. Having more sex makes you look better and feel…
At 3 PM on a Tuesday most nine-year-olds are getting out of school and heading home to watch YouTube videos on their iPads. But for little 9-year-old Kiana Henderson, the day has just begun.
Kiana is picked up from school by a chauffeur driving her limousine who then takes her to the corporate headquarters of the bakeries she founded and owns. She is also a genius with an IQ of 169 who speaks 18 different languages and has skipped multiple grades.
“Three years ago I lost a tooth while eating a cookie. …