Hogan Torah
Founder of my keys every morning. Ex-baby. Google me, I autofill. HoganTorah.com
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But you will still make me use a condom

2 Minute Reads

3–7 Minute read

7+ minutes

The love story

The explicit love story

The one that’s basically porn


The 20 year old cold case I pretty much solved.

Twitter @anotherlogan
Instagram /Party_Weapon

I shred

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I wish I could make this stuff up.

I’ve been writing or blogging for 25 years. I started writing to self soothe when coming down from Ecstasy. Originally my medium was pen and paper. Then AOL. After that, MySpace. Until, drugs.

My early screen names included Logboi, Bloodninja, Anotherlogan, Ohmygodude, and ScourgeoftheWest.

Combining everything that’s trending right now into one terrible sentence

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Image 20th Century Fox and Uh… Idk some dude.

My fellow Americans except Padres fans, have you ever fucked a loved one to death using JBoss?

I told you it was going to be terrible. Don’t get mad at me, you clicked on it.

I guess that was a question. I’m just going to make this free and forget it ever happened.


Revenge porn hits home

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Photo by Henry & Co. from Pexels

I was finishing up my writing day when I heard the unmistakable drone of a turbocharged 2.5 liter flat four Subaru engine.

Odd, she’s home a half hour early. Oh dear, it looks like she’s been crying. Aw shit, she must have gotten fired. I know when I get home a half hour early and have been crying it’s because I got fired.

Somehow it was worse. Her shithead ex had struck again. This time sending nude pictures of her to her boss.

She was devastated and humiliated. Though her body is like something out of a drawing from Heavy Metal magazine (unreal) and nothing to be ashamed of, I understood how embarrassed she was. …

What to expect during your first month writing on Medium

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Hi. I’m Hogan Torah and I’ve been blogging and or writing for over 20 years. I have been writing on Medium for seven months.

I will be revealing no tricks. Because in your first month there aren’t any.

I do have some general tips.

Pay the five bucks

I assure you it’s not a scam or a pyramid scheme. It’s your ante into being a paid writer. My first month on Medium I made 5.71. Every month after that I made more. I posted two stories before I realized I wasn’t going to get anywhere without reading what everyone else is doing.

C’mon, it’s five bucks. …


The real-time story continues

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“Goodbye” She said, then kissed me as I laid bundled in the covers. I reached my arm out and hooked her leg. Buckling her knee, sending her falling into me.

“Goodbye” I croaked, kissing her neck as she giggled. “Have a great day.” And then she left me.

Usually I would go back to sleep. Today I couldn’t.

Yesterday when Anna came home, she sat me down while holding my hands. From my experience, being sat down down while having your hands held conversations are the most devastating type of conversations. I braced for the worst…

A few nights before there was a knock at the door. …


Star Wars II Episode 5 Return of The Phantom Porg Strikes Back

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Image Author, Sorta

If it works the first time, make a sequel.

Three more things about Star Wars I don’t get.

The original plan for rescuing Han Solo from Jabba’s palace

  1. Lando, you become a guard for a few parsecs. They won’t know it’s you because you’ll have a spittoon strapped to your head.
  2. We send in C3PO and R2-D2 who will play a hologram of Luke. Luke will offer the droids in exchange for Han Solo. Jabba will say no and keep the droids. Don’t tell the gold one. The trash can doesn’t give a fuck.
  3. That’s when Leia comes in wearing a Geordi visor and a parking cone over her face. Thus making her look like a bounty hunter. She’ll have Chewbacca in handcuffs and demand the 50k credit ransom for his capture. …

I hate it here

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Artwork inspired by KC Green

Hey you! Yes, you. I’m addressing this platform directly. Therefore, this will not be distributed.

It’s cool. You don’t distribute or curate anything I write anyway. Unless it’s about Culture for whatever reason.

Why not?

Fuck if I or anyone knows. Especially the people that claim to

I have been awarded and stripped of Top Writer badges in Music, Satire, Movies, Television, JavaScript, Visual Basic, Golf, Cloning, Eel Tickling, Couch Fucking, This Happened To Me, Ow My Balls, Does This Look Infected, and Giving Ev Williams A Reach-Around. Yet you fail to recognize me for what I’m best at.

I am a humorist

The top writer in humor is Sean Kernan. Sean is a funny dude who uses humor to engage and draw the reader in. He will tell you himself that he’s not a humorist. Don’t get it twisted. I’m not talking shit. Sean and I are bros believe it or not. I’m not attacking him or any person mentioned individually. In fact, it was an endorsement from him that pulled me out of obscurity. …

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