SEX

My First Date With Rosie Palmer And Her 5 Sisters

Self taught self Love

photo made by author

Everyone plays with themselves a bit before they get it to go. I didn’t have an older brother or even a friend with an older brother. I had to figure things out for myself without the aid of porn.

Around the age of 13 I started waking up with this feeling I couldn’t describe. I needed to fuck something. But what and how? The family dog wasn’t receptive. The cat even less so. I remember sticking my dong in this coin bank I had. The nickel stack was the best fit but it wasn’t doing it. Tried fucking a pillow, no dice.

After trying pillows, handkerchiefs, and a cardboard tube stuffed with tissue I was getting frustrated. I knew I was on the right track when I rubbed my old baby blanket against my dong. It felt good, but I still had this weird feeling in my balls.

After a few days I had gotten better. I was getting close to a breakthrough.

I thought I had learned about sex through a VHS tape my mom had rented when I was 10 called What’s Happening to my Body? In retrospect, fuck that tape. It left a lot out and was vague about the exact mechanics.

I knew my dick had the potential to make sperm. It had something to do with a man and woman getting naked in bed then getting excited. That’s what the video my parents got in the health section of Blockbuster said. Thanks to Playboy and the full bush era I thought the slit on little girls healed up during puberty. The nest of pubic hair on the woman absorbed the sperm.

It wasn’t until I acquired my first hard core pornography video that I figured out the dynamics of making the beast with two backs. My sister and her best friend Tara were the ones to find it. They came home from the park down the street and were like, “We found this unlabeled video in the park. Let’s put it on.”

I had found porn bushes before so I crossed my fingers hoping it was what I thought it was. Immediately after pressing play there was a woman eating out another woman. They screamed and ejected the tape. I was like, “That’s terrible! Here, give it to me and I’ll throw it away for you.” She said, “Oh! Thank you!”

Score.

I had called an 800 number to get a free tape about the Bowflex nautilus machine. I took the label of the tape and put it on my new found favorite thing in the world. I left it in plain site with all the other tapes but it was always getting left out. My Mom was like, “You sure do watch that Bowflex tape a lot. You have a job. Why don’t you buy it?” I didn’t have to. Guess what I got for Hanukkah that year?

I remember showing the video to my two best friends. They were dead silent for 5 minutes when Steve Song finally said, “So that’s what it looks like!” That happened a year or two after I figured out how to jerk it.

Anyways, back to 13 year old me playing with myself. One morning as I woke up with my usual 3″ towel rack busting out of the fly of my pajamas. I grabbed my old binky and started abusing myself. It was feeling good. I picked up the pace and….

HOLY SHIT! YAHTZEE!! I shot about a half a CC of jizz 7 feet up the wall. My boner subsided and I no longer felt the need to strangle something.

“That was awesome!” I thought to myself. I tried to do it again but learned that there was a cooling off period.

After a few months, my baby blanket dried jizz encrusted the entirety of it. On top of that it smelled awful so I tossed it. I refined my method to use an old shirt until the time I started getting laid on the regular.

Today I can do it with only my hand. I am bountiful in the pre-cum department so I’m self lubing. Thanks to the internet and having to use a mouse I’ve become quite proficient with my left hand.

Fucking is the bees knees, but I still like rubbing one out every then and again.

Women come and go, but Palmela and Fistina have always been there for me.