Why Joining The BTS Army Was The Worst Decision I Ever Made
Unfocused, undisciplined, and the screaming girls will drive you nuts after a while
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My father was always trying to get me to move out.
“Join the army. Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet interesting people and kill them.” He explained. “Besides, chicks dig men in uniform.”
After getting fired for the three thousandth time I decided to take a crack at it. The US army said I was too old. I said, “Your face is too old!” And looked at other options.
I heard the French Foreign Legion will take anyone. But fuck France. I like the fries and kissing but berets are dumb.
Then I heard about the BTS Army. I figured it was some sovereign nation in Asia. I was partially right. I inquired about the BTS Navy and BTS Air Force but couldn’t find any information.
I enlisted in the BTS Army
Boot camp wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Mostly just memorizing BTS-es favorite foods, birthdays, which one was the shy one, which one was funny one. Shit like that.
After boot camp I moved up the ranks quickly. Probably because I was the only BTS Army active duty member that didn’t have school on weekdays, but still hadn’t seen any combat.
Then one day the tough one died and they didn’t have any mature clones. (all the members are clones of the same human/cat/cucumber interspecies mix with slightly different haircuts.)
My loyalty was rewarded. I was made a officer in the BTS Army. I was given the rank of Colonel and became Colonel Hogan (Ho-gan!!!)
I did get to travel the world. I met millions of screaming twelve year old girls and fucked their moms. I didn’t get to kill anyone. I never even got a gun. I just looked longingly off into the distance and pretended to sing.
I have nothing to show for my time in the BTS army except for the following awards:
THE 30TH HIGH1 SEOUL MUSIC AWARDS
- Main Prize (Bonsang)
- Best Digital Song
- Best Album
- 👑Grand Prize (Daesang)
🏆 2020 AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS
- Favorite Duo or Group — Pop/Rock
- Favorite Social Artist
🏆 2020 APAN MUSIC AWARDS
- 👑№1 Achievement Award (Daesang)
- Top 10 Award (Bonsang)
- IDOL Champ Fan Pick Group Award
- Best OST — [ Sweet Night (V of BTS) ]
🏆 2020 ASIA ARTIST AWARDS
- 👑Song of the Year — [ Dynamite ]
- Best of Best Award
- Male Idol Popularity Award
🏆 2020 BILLBOARD MUSIC AWARDS
- Top Social Artist
🏆 CONSEQUENCE OF SOUND 2020 ANNUAL REPORT
- Band of the Year
🏆 E! PEOPLE’S CHOICE AWARDS 2020
- The Group of 2020
- The Album of 2020 — [ Map of the Soul: 7]
- The Song of 2020 — [ Dynamite ]
- The Music Video of 2020 — [ Dynamite]
🏆 9TH GAON CHART MUSIC AWARDS
- Social Hot Star of the Year
- Artist of the Year (2nd Quarter Physical Album) — [ MOTS: Persona ]
- Retail Album of the Year — [ MOTS: Persona ]
🏆 2020 GENIE MUSIC AWARDS
- 👑/Daesang (Album of the Year) — [MOTS: 7]
- Bonsang (Best Song, Dance Category) — [Dynamite]
🏆 34TH GOLDEN DISC AWARDS
- Best Producer Award — [ Bang Si Hyuk ]
- Fan’s Choice KPOP STAR
- TikTok Golden Disc Popularity
- Best Digital Song — [ Boy With Luv ]
- Best Album Award — [ MOTS: Persona ]
- 👑ALBUM OF THE YEAR — [ MOTS: Persona ]
- 👑Digital Song of the Year — [ Boy With Luv ]
Then my time in the BTS Army came to an end.
The clone eventually matured and after they cut and dyed it’s hair I was given an honorable discharge from the BTS Army.
But really, who gives a shit. You can’t exchange an award for happiness.
It was hard adjusting back to civilian life. I became homeless and I was still hooked on lip gloss. I had spent all my pension on wireless microphones and hearing aids.
I have PTSD from all the screaming girls. Thousands of them, screaming at me unintelligibly constantly repeatedly.
Then I got hooked on heroin. Thank the lord I found Jesus or some deity. Now I’m better (yay) and just another asshole shit-posting on Medium.
Thank you for attending my TED talk.
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